The Man Of Your Mother’s Dreams

“Marry a man who loves you more than you love him”.

This is a common saying among Nigerian women, and mothers from different parts of the country have accepted this as their mantra for marriage, never failing to pass this “gem” of an advice to their daughters.

This saying is based on several premises and rationalizations which uphold it.

These women claim that marrying a man who is insanely head over heels for you, almost to the point of obsession, is the only way for a woman to share any control over her marriage.

They assert that because the man is the family’s leader by divine appointment, he has influence over both the wife and the kids. Therefore, a man must be willing to give up part of his authority and control in order for you, a woman, to have any control over your home.

And only a man who loves you more would do that.

Another premise for this rule is that it is only a man who loves you more would be willing to do your bidding whenever and however you want. They say that if he cares too much about you, you don’t always have to use the “rub his head and he’ll do it” card, only if and when it’s the only available option.

They say that since women tend to love more, it’d be a disservice for any woman to marry a man whom she loves more. They call it meeting her halfway.

Taking these views into account one may conclude that it is only wise that a woman marries a man who loves her more than she loves him. However, this “Golden Rule” for marriage seems to neglect the fact that there are no losers or winners in love.

Today, we live in a capitalistic society and our economic organization is based on each person seeking his own advantage. The rule is to always get the longer end of the stick when you participate in a transaction.

For instance, when in the market for a particular piece of item, our main goal is to get the item for the best price possible. We will walk from store to store just to get a better bargain and so we could brag about our feat to friends and family when they get that same item for a higher price.

All our economic activities are governed by the principle of profit. Manufacturers want to make wide margins when they sell to wholesalers and retailers, wholesalers and retailers want their cost price to be a small fraction of their selling price and consumers also want to get the better deal when they purchase any product or service.

Everyone is in it for themselves.

However, as people continued to seek their own personal advantage in every transaction they participated in, the institution of love was also not spared. Love is now seen as an economic transaction in which people, in this case, women, are supposed to get the better bargain or deal- a man who loves them more.

The principle of the capitalistic society is one of egotism­­­­ — primarily focused on oneself. It is by its very nature exploitative, but love is not. Love means to be one with someone, to be actively interested in a person as they are and not as a tool for the satisfaction of your own needs or interests.

Erich Fromm in his book “The Art of Loving”, explicitly stated that “the principle underlying a capitalistic society and the principle of love are incompatible. The tools utilized in a capitalistic society are inherently manipulative and love does not seek to manipulate.”

The only way to love is to overcome the ultimate concern for one’s self.

To love is to consider others as important as yourself. You cannot say you love if you place your interest above the happiness of others.

Looking for a man who loves you more means you consider your needs as the most important and you don’t mind using your partner as a means to your end- self-indulgence, self-gratification and self-interest.

Our mothers are wise but they fail to understand that people are an end in themselves and never as a means to an end.

Love requires the development of humility; the humility to see your partner as important as you are.

If you cannot be truly humble and consider the happiness of others, then you cannot say you love.

Thank you for reading.

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